The Loss
by Voyfemme
Summary: Kes’ Farewell Party JC PT KKi, N, D, Tu, Sa , in short everybody and their motherPairing:JC PT KKi, N, D, Tu, SaRating: PG13Type of Story: MushyLevel: 3


**Part 8: The Dark Pages**

**Page 2: The Loss**

_Summary: _

Kes' Farewell Party (J/C P/T K/Ki, N, D, Tu, Sa , in short everybody and their mother)

_Pairing:_J/C P/T K/Ki, N, D, Tu, Sa _Rating_: PG-13 _Type of Story:_ Mushy _Level_: 3

* * *

**Part 8: The Dark Pages**

**Page 2: The Loss**

Kathryn sat on the couch in her quarters, her whole body slack. Of all the days in the past week, this one was the most emotionally draining. She had experienced the full gamut of the emotions throughout the day. She had lost one of her most treasured crewmembers and had gained a traumatized new one. She had dealt with each of the situations, the best way that she knew how. Still it gave her little comfort knowing that she was right in letting Kes go, when it was going to be the source of grief for her and her crew. It also gave her little comfort, when she had to withhold the basic Federation right of every sentient being, the right to chose one's destiny, because she was sure that the person in question could not make an informed choice at this time.

Slowly she pulled herself off the couch and began to get dressed. As she did, her thoughts were still consumed by the day's experiences.

She knew that Seven of Nine was in a great deal of pain and that she was scared. Chakotay was correct when he observed that the Collective was all she knew for a long time. She did not want to become human. But Kathryn was confident that given time, a sense of purpose and connection to the crew, she would choose her humanity of her own free will. She knew that the transition was going to be difficult, for Seven of Nine, for the crew and for herself. But she had faith in the people on board her ship. They would help her regain what she had lost. She was once again going to be a mentor to one of her crew, but unlike Kes, these lessons were going to be thrust on someone who was unwillingly thrust in the situation that they found themselves in.

The loss of Kes was going to be felt greatly by her crew and by herself. Kathryn knew that Kes wasn't just another member of the crew to her. She was like the daughter that she always thought that she would have one day...with Mark. She had been a mentor to Kes. The young Ocampan had looked up to her to help guide her through the strange new experiences of being in space, to help guide her in doing things that no other member of her race on her home world had ever done. She also looked to the captain when her mental abilities had begun to emerge. She and Tuvok had shared the mentoring duties of that stage of her development. Kathryn knew that she and Tuvok would miss Kes in a different way than the rest of the crew.

Kathryn hadn't expected that being the teacher, she would have had so much to learn from the student. Kes may have been only a little more than one year old when she first came aboard Voyager, however she was the person who thought Kathryn one of the most important lessons she had learned in her Captaincy during that first year. She had remembered an entry into her personal log that she had made during that time. Kes had a way of looking at the universe as it was unfolding in front of her with the wonder of her age and processing the experiences with the maturity of an adult. At times, Kes' maturity exceeded hers and Tuvok's. Kes was alien to them, but she made a lot of her crewmembers stop and take the time to ponder what it meant to be sentient, to live life with the values which the Federation espouses in the midst of the worst of situations. To be open to every experience that life had to give.

It was hard to imagine the journey without her, although in some ways, part of their journey would have had to be made without her. She was only going to live nine years, possibly fourteen. In the end they were only together four years. At least she didn't die. Chakotay had agreed that this was the position that they should take in front of the crew. Kes was indeed no longer part of their journey, but she had begun a new one, one that would make her more than she had ever imagined that she would be. She had evolved to a higher plane of existence, and she had given an incredible farewell gift to the crew. She had taken them 10 years closer to home, beyond Borg Space in the blink of an eye. After they finished the briefing in which they tried to interpret whatever little information they had gathered throughout their amazing trip, Chakotay stayed behind to suggest that they hold a farewell party for her in the Messhall. He was on the bridge during the whole incident and he could tell from his fellow bridge officers that they needed to say good-bye. She had agreed. He emphasized that it was going to be a farewell party, not a memorial service. Kes was not dead, just gone.

Chakotay.

Kathryn realized that she had finished dressing and was sitting on the couch waiting. She gave a small she sighed deeply; had been waiting on Chakotay to ring her door chime. In the past he had always accompanied her to parties, services and concerts, but not this one. The rift that was formed between them during the Borg incident was still there. The apology which had been given a day ago had done a lot to soothe tensions between them professionally, however she was beginning to realize that it didn't begin to address the issues between them personally. They would have to be faced soon, if their friendship were to survive.

Her eyes filled for a moment, but she steeled herself. She had to be there for the crew this afternoon. A feeling of sadness and loneliness crossed her soul as she realized that there would be no one automatically to be there for her. She paused a moment, and then exited her quarters with a sense of determination.

* * *

"Neelix." Kathryn met the Talaxian as he was putting the finishing touches on a buffet table. Neelix looked up at the Captain. His eyes were even more yellow than they normally were and she had a feeling it was because he had been crying. He looked haunted and her gaze softened. He realized that it was OK and caught her up in a bear hug for a moment and then let go. He looked almost ashamed because he was so out of sorts due to the loss that he was suffering. Kathryn clasped him on his back to let him know that it was OK

"Thanks Captain." He replied when he recovered. She nodded and looked around the Messhall. It was crowded. There wasn't a crewmember that Kes hadn't come into contact with in the three years that she had been aboard Voyager. A skeleton crew was at the critical stations on the ship, but the Com system on the ship was cued in to the Messhall so that they could be part of what was happening. Voyager was at a dead stop in space.

"It looks like you've done a wonderful job in preparing for this." The mood was jovial, almost forcibly so. It was as if the crew were holding on to her words for dear life and treating Kes' departure as if it were a promotion, in order to firmly push the feelings of loss out of the way. However, in some crewmembers, especially the bridge crew, she could see occasional sad looks cross faces. She felt her heart being pulled as her own sadness came to her face. She looked for Tuvok.

* * *

Tom and Harry were performing a jig of some sorts in order to entertain Neomi. B'Elanna, Jarvin, Samantha and a couple more of the crew were watching and clapping their hands in amusement. Kathryn spotted Tuvok just beyond Tom and Harry. She knew that he was observing them in mild amusement, but his face betrayed nothing. B'Elanna's and Samantha's back was towards her as she moved towards him. Just as she started, Harry and Tom had finished their jig and moved a little off to the side to talk to other crewmembers. It was then that she saw him.

Because of the position that she had before, Tom and Harry blocked Chakotay from her view. She was surprised to see him and it showed in her reaction. She stopped and for an instant, she felt her control mask slip. His face was set like flint, but in his eyes she saw a sadness that touched her deeply. Kathryn bit her tongue to prevent herself from calling his name and she realized that he had seen her face fall, because she could see the concern for her that she had always known in his eyes. A forced of indifference formed on his face.

When Chakotay saw the extent of her sadness, he felt a pull towards her, however he remained where he was and let her define the next move.

B'Elanna had been opposite Chakotay during Tom and Harry's jig caught the change on Chakotay's face, and on impulse she whirled around to see who caused such a reaction in her friend. She was not too surprised to see the Captain.

Tom had seen Kathryn approaching and also witnessed the change in her demeanor. It was so swift that he almost believed that he didn't see anything until B'Elanna whirled around to see who had entered the Messhall. The only difference between his and B'Elanna's reactions was that he didn't need to turn around to know that there was a corresponding change of looks from Chakotay behind him. He gave a mental whistle. There was indeed a big rift between the two chief officers and from the expression he managed to intercept from the Captain, a personal one. A look of sadness also crossed his face. It was not only for the two chief officers, but also for the whole crew and for himself. The past two weeks had been pure hell.

Tuvok didn't need to move to observe all of the deviant behaviors around him. He reflected momentarily on the wisdom of the Vulcan way of suppressing emotion and embracing the way of logic. The situation would not have occurred if everyone involved were Vulcan.

Harry missed everything. He was too busy playing with Naomi and worrying about Robin to pick up subtle clues about anyone else's' behavior

* * *

With her command face firmly in place, Kathryn forced herself to move towards Tuvok and Chakotay.

"Captain."

"Kathryn." She was surprised at how strange her name sounded in Chakotay's voice. She realized at once that it was due to the fact that he hadn't used it in a while, on or off duty. She struggled to keep her mask in place.

"Tuvok, Chakotay. Tuvok, when are you beginning the official part of the party?"

"In about an hour captain."

"Thank You. Excuse me." Without another word she left them.

Tuvok observed Chakotay watching Janeway's retreating figure. It was as he had deduced logically. The captain and the first officer still had some unresolved emotional issues about the encounter between Voyager, the Borg and Species 8472.

* * *

Tuvok blew a small whistle to get the crew's attention. The crowd in the Messhall became quiet as he began. He was standing behind a makeshift podium that had been constructed for this occasion. Crewmembers made themselves comfortable on chairs that had been arranged in a semicircle around the podium. The bridge crew sat together. Chakotay had gestured to Kathryn to sit next to him. She was grateful. It would have been too awkward to sit apart from him. It would further confirm what a lot of people had already figured out; that there was something wrong between the Captain and First Officer. They needed to be a united command for the sake of the crew.

"We are gathered here today to say good-bye and to remember a crew member who has touched all our lives. Kes. I would like to begin the sharing with some reflections which I have made over the past 24 hrs, which I think are suitable for tonight's gathering."

Tuvok did not read from a PADD. As a Vulcan he remembered accurately the flow of his thoughts.

"At the point of death, Vulcans can transfer their consciousness, their soul, their _Katra_ to another so that he or she lives on in another. Kes is not dead, and I believe in her transformation, is present to us as we journey towards the alpha quadrant. However in order to bring conclusion to her journey with us, we tell the stories of her influence on us, the impact that her life had on ours, so in that way her _Katra_ is made tangible to us. We remember that though she may not be here physically, her spirit is part of us"

Tuvok took a vacant seat and Kathryn took a deep breath to stand up. This time Chakotay didn't resist the impulse he had to put his hand on her shoulder. It was a very brief touch and he gave her a look of encouragement at the end of it. Kathryn found her way to podium.

"When she first came on board this ship, Kes did what ever needed to be done to make her an indispensable member of the crew, of this family, at first in the Aeroponics bay and then especially in sickbay. But she was more than just the nurse or field medic to this crew. To me, she was the daughter that someday I hope to have. Over the years, Kes has looked to me for guidance as she embraced her new life her on Voyager as part of this family. I remember when our journey was only a couple of months old, Kes came in to inform me of the treatment of the doctor by the crew. He was being treated as a hologram and she thought that he should be treated as a sentient being. I tried to make her understand that holograms were not sentient beings and as a result were treated differently, but she gave me one of the most logical arguments for the doctor being treated as a sentient being that I have ever heard. She made me remember than not all members of Starfleet are fully organic and one in particular was as artificial as the doctor and had been determined sentient by Starfleet. She reminded me that we are defined as sentient by our ability process our experiences and to learn from them. She also reminded me that the crew's attitude towards the doctor would be modeled by my example. She challenged me to step out of my narrow boundaries of what I considered to be sentient and to see the potential that was in our Emergency Medical Holographic Program."

She gave a slight pause and a small grin. She looked directly at Tom, who gave her a puzzled look.

"Someone get this next statement on paper because you will never hear it again," She gave a dramatic pause.

"I have never been so happy to be proven wrong in all my life"

A surprised set of guffaws came from the crew. Tom Paris' laughter was louder than most, but he attempted to straighten himself out as she gave him one of her famous looks. Kathryn did not look in Chakotay's direction.

"Doctor," she looked at him, "I may not say this often enough, but you are an indispensable member of this crew. You have saved this ship and this crew countless of times and have performed admirably throughout difficult situations. I am proud to have you as the CMO of this ship." She raised her glass to the Doctor

The whole crew gathered began to cheer and raise their glasses to the physician. At first the doctor looked embarrassed and then he beamed with pride.

"Kes, thank you for everything. Good luck on the journey that you are embarking now" she raised her glass again.

Kathryn spoke as if Kes were in the room with them. It was important for the crew and for herself, that she reinforce with her words what Tuvok had said earlier. As she moved away from the podium, she noticed that Neelix had tears streaming down his face and Harry was trying hard not to cry himself. Chakotay gave her a grateful look and took his place behind the podium.

"In our creation mythology, it is said that Great Father and Great Mother came together to give birth to the universe. The wisdom that is inherent in the order of the universe is a gift that was passed on from mother to offspring. In each tribe, the wisdom of the universe is imparted to a special woman and she is said to be Great Mother's messenger. Normally the woman chose is in her 80's. Her many experiences in life become the medium throughout which Great Mother imparts wisdom to the tribe. Many members of the tribe normally seek out great Mother in times of need. Sometimes, she doesn't need to be sought out, she knows instinctively when she is needed. It is said that the choice of great Mother's messenger is confirmed by one of the elders of the tribe seeing her in his vision quest performing her role.

Kes, when I saw you in my vision quest over a year and a half ago, I knew that great Mother had chosen well for this tribe. I never had a chance to tell you before how well you have guided this crew; how well you have guided me both in my subsequent vision quests and in person, in my times of greatest sorrow and confusion. You helped me to grow in wisdom. You did not have to be of advanced age, the wisdom which you contained was enough for Great Mother to work with. I know that you are using the wisdom of the universe to guide you on your new journey. I hope that you remember me as one who was proud to be with you on the journey that you made on this ship. I look forward to sharing all the wisdom that I am able to with you, as you continue to your journey among the stars of the universe."

Chakotay returned to his seat. If a pin dropped in the Messhall it would have been heard. Ayla finally gave in to his tears of sorrow. B'Elanna's jaw refused to shut. Kathryn's required all of her energy to remain closed. She gave a swift look to B'Elanna to confirm what she had been thinking. Chakotay was an extremely private man, he never shared with them what he had said. The fact that he had done so in such a public forum, was as if he paraded naked at a talent show. Thankfully it was Tuvok's turn to speak as he may have been the only one able to break the silence.

"When I first began to work with Kes with her mental abilities, I found that was she was diligent and dutiful when it came to her studies. I had expected that given her young age and her emotional nature that she would have been difficult to work with. She was not. In time I found that she was not only an able student but also a good colleague," he hesitated slightly and looked a little more pensive, "and a friend. Kes has also bestowed a gift to me as a teacher. She has helped me tremendously in my dealings with the emotional aspect of this crew's behavior. As a Starfleet officer, I have always been in contact with emotional species, however as a Vulcan I have been perplexed by some of the emotional behaviors exhibited by some members." Tuvok looked at Tom, who for his part had an amused smile on his face. "At times I have not been able to respect the complexity of some of those emotions. Kes has helped me gain some insights so that I may better be able to do so." Tuvok looked at Harry. The ensign's eyes widened with understanding. Finally Tuvok looked at Kathryn "When the captain and first officer were stuck on the planet because of an insect bite, it was Kes who convinced me to go back for them. Had I not done so, we may not have been here today as one crew," he paused again, "as one family" Kathryn heart jumped at that moment and she took the opportunity to control the tears that were threatening to fall in her eyes. To have Tuvok acknowledge that they were what she was trying to hard to build on this lost ship touched her deeply. "Kes, I am honored to have been your mentor on this journey and know that my thoughts are with you on your new journey as your thoughts are with me now on this one."

Tuvok sat down and was replaced by the Doctor.

"Kes has been single handily been responsible for the type of physician that I am now. Well not single handedly, I was programmed by the best medical minds of Starfleet and was pretty much an exceptional physician from the first instant that I was activated." Out of the corner of his eye he saw Tom rolled his eyes. He frowned at him. Tom grinned. The Doctor continued, "Never the less, I was not intended to be a long term medical hologram and certainly not the chief medical officer of a starship. Kes helped me to outgrow my original programming and adapt to my new duties as chief medical officer on Voyager. She did that by encouraging me to explore certain aspects of organic life. There was one instance that I had programmed myself with a Nevodian flu in order to show the crew what is proper behavior during an illness. When I informed Kes about my project, she thought that I was doing it to understand being ill and in pain, how it makes one feel vulnerable. At the time she must have been taking lessons from Mr. Paris."

"I didn't have anything to do with it. Kes is capable of doing something underhanded and despicable all by her self." Tom answered with a knowing smirk, he knew the story from Harry. Some of the crew gathered laughed out loud.

"Kes, added two extra hours to my illness and then stood by as I acted in a non-professional manner because I was ill. It was quite embarrassing, but my program adapted. Kes had been present throughout all subsequent attempts to improve on my programming, and has always been supportive of me. Although some of my attempts have provided less than spectacular results."

"I'll say" B'Elanna intoned. The rest of the people who heard her chucked. The Doctor ignored her and continued.

"It is as Captain Janeway said, I began to think of my self and act as a sentient being because she treated me as if I was." The doctor had an amused expression on his face throughout the first part of his speech and he enjoyed the sparring that was going on between himself and Lt. Paris and Torres. Now however a sad looked crossed his face.

"Kes, I love you. You have been an exceptional friend to someone who was overbearing at times and definitely in need of a friend. I will miss you. Take care of yourself." He raised his glass, but his eyes teared. The appropriate subroutine kicked in as they processed the content of the words uttered by his matrix, which had been given by his diagnostic processors.

No one expected the Doctor to say what he had and he looked in as much pain as everyone else in the Messhall was. It became clear again to everyone present that the doctor had long exceeded his original programming and was capable of experiencing and exhibiting emotions. He was grieving over Kes' departure like every other member of the crew.

Tom stood up slowly. He had planned what he was going to say, but after listening to the doctor's speech, he knew what he must to say.

"I had this witty speech about some of the more hilarious moments between Kes, myself, Harry, B'Elanna and other members of the crew, prepared. But that is not what I want to talk about, what I need to say." Tom looked down at his feet and B'Elanna felt something stir deep within her. Chakotay looked at Tom quizzically and Harry became a little concerned. Tom looked more serious than he had seen him in a long time.

"When I first came to this ship, I came as a traitor and a spy. I was on board because I was going to reveal the possible locations of the Marquis in the Badlands. No one trusted me and that was fine by me. I wasn't on board to make friends, I was on board to so I could get a reduced prison sentence when I returned. I didn't know at the time, it would be my second chance. Captain, I can't thank you enough for that." He looked directly at Kathryn. Her eyes filled again and she gave a small nod of her head.

"The first friend that I made here was Harry, who saw beyond the failure of a Starfleet Officer who saved him from a rather enterprising Ferengi. Kes was the second. She sought me out to eat with me, she asked me to give her shuttle lessons, spent time in Sandrine's in my company. She and Harry treated me with trust and respect that I hadn't experienced in a long time, and at that time didn't deserve. I don't blame any of you for your opinions of me. I would not have trusted me either if I were in your position. However, having people who were willing to be my friends taught me how to act like one again. In doing so, I was able to earn the respect and the friendship of many of you." He looked directly at B'Elanna and she faltered a little under his gaze. He raised his drink, "To Kes. Thank you for being my friend and for teaching me how to be one." All the officers who had drinks in their hands raised their drinks in silent toast.

Tom walked back to his seat and he saw that Harry was moved at what he had said, he dashed a hand against his eyes. Harry clasped him on the back as he took his seat. B'Elanna looked at him. Tom felt her eyes on him, but he didn't look up until she touched his arm. When he did, he could see her concern and he lowered his eyes as he felt the tears form. B'Elanna saw them and she squeezed his arm in solitary. Tom almost dropped his drink in surprise at her open display of affection. He looked at her again and saw that she was watching Harry now as he walked to the podium.

"What I will remember the most about Kes was her exceptional bedside manner. I think that I have been in sickbay injured a little more than most of the crew.."

"There's an understatement. The only officer who frequents sickbay more than you do is Lt. Paris. You'd think that the two of you would be better patients. You certainly have had enough practice." There were loud chuckles heard when the Doctor interjected.

Harry tried to look stern, but it was a lost cause as the tears, which threatened to start again, revealed his true feelings.

"As I was saying, what I will miss the most about Kes was her _exceptional _beside manner." The doctor looked slightly affronted but remained silent. Harry continued. "She had a way of touching and speaking that brought calm and made me feel like I was always going to get better. Kes and Neelix were two aliens that joined our crew in the delta quadrant and became an instrumental part of the crew during our journey. It is difficult for me to imagine the rest of the journey without either of them, even though I have to now. Kes wherever you are, stay in touch if you can. You'll be missed" he raised his glass. Harry kept it short. He knew that there was someone else who needed him that night and he couldn't afford to break down now, no matter how much he wanted to.

"In two days time, Klingons will celebrate the Day of Honor. It is a day when Klingons examine their behavior over the past year and prove to themselves and to their house that they had indeed conducted themselves as Klingon Warriors. I think that it would be hard to imagine Kes as a Klingon, in fact, it would be just as impossible as to imagine Neelix as a Klingon," She got chuckles out of that remark, "but Kes does possess two of the most important character traits of a Klingon Warrior, courage and honor. Kes left her home world and joined our crew knowing no one but Neelix. She has been with us through our greatest joys and our greatest sorrows in this quadrant. She has embraced the unknown and did not hesitate to do what was necessary to ensure the health and the safety of this crew, even though she had the least amount of experience. It took courage and strength to make the decisions that she did, and honor to act in the manner that she had. Kes has given us a great gift by pushing us though Borg Space and taking ten years off our journey, but she gave us, and me especially, a greater gift by her presence. Kes has shown me by her actions, the true meaning of inner strength, conviction and courage. She was a quiet warrior who brought glory to this house. Kes, I know that where ever you are now that you will continue to reveal the glory of this crew which you helped to build, and give glory to the house that you are in now."

B'Elanna returned to her seat, her eyes were wet. Tom, glanced at her and when she met his eyes, she knew what she saw there, but she wasn't ready to face it yet. Tom put his arm around her shoulder and for a moment she leaned into it. She moved a little after, and Tom picking up her silent cue removed his arm, but she stood very close to her. B'Elanna for her part did not move away.

Chakotay had seen Tom and B'Elanna's reactions to each other's speech from where he was sitting. He was surprised by what he saw in Tom's eyes. He knew then that the rumors were true, that Tom was pursuing B'Elanna. When he saw B'Elanna's response to Tom's hug at the end of her speech, he realized that she had feelings for Tom also. He felt another pang of sadness. Although he knew that it probably wouldn't happen, he felt as if he would be losing another friend. He shook the thoughts out of his head as he concentrated on Neelix who was just beginning to speak.

"Just before the final phase of her transformation, Kes and I were in this Messhall reflecting on the experiences that we had gone through as members of this crew. I want to thank you, and I know if she were here, she would want to thank you too for allowing us to become part of this family. Kes and I came aboard as lovers and throughout the journey our love for one another changed." Neelix dashed a tear away from his eyes. He looked so sorrowful, that Kathryn realized that he was mourning not only her transformation but also their breakup. She turned to Chakotay with a questioning look. He understood and shook his head with an amazed look of his own. He didn't know that the break up wasn't mutual or what had precipitated it. She turned her attention back to Neelix.

"Through it all, we remained good friends even though it was rough going for a while." Kathryn felt his eyes on her and she did turn against her better judgment. The look of longing that she caught unsettled her greatly. When he realized that she was looking at him, Chakotay placed a look of indifference on. That hurt her and she looked away.

"Kes, where ever you are, I repeat the toast that we made at the beginning of this journey and the beginning of this new journey.

To the adventure."

Samantha was up at the podium with Neomi clutching her leg. She looked down at her daughter lovingly as her eyes filled with tears.

"When I first found out that I was pregnant, I was so scared. I had never felt so alone. I have never missed my husband as much as I missed him that day. When I decided to continue with the pregnancy, I was plagued with doubts, was I doing the right thing? What kind of life would I be giving my daughter on this starship so far from the Federation? Kes was with me in those moments of doubts sharing with me the thoughts and fears that she had when she had started the Elogium prematurely. Her wisdom and strength were two things that I clung to when I was most confused. I realize now that she had shared these gifts with most of the senior staff, with most of you, so you know how calming her influence can be. When I was dealing with the actual pregnancy, she was also there as a nurse and confidant. It was my first pregnancy and I was unaccustomed with the physical discomfort that comes from it. Kes went out of her way to make sure I was as comfortable as I could be"

Samantha bent down and held Neomi close to her. Neomi snuggled across her mother's chest contentedly and Samantha held her closer. At that moment Henley began to cry. Crewman Janaro held her close. Harry did the same for Robin Kingston but it was he who had the tears on his face

"If it wasn't for you and Harry Kes, Neomi would not be here. My reason for living would not be here in my arms. Thank you."

Ensign Lang began. "When Ensign Kaplan died on the planet with where the New Cooperative was formed, I was lost. She and I had been best friends through out our years at the academy..."

It went on for four hours.

* * *

At the end of the sharing, Neelix invited everyone present to stay for some food. Kathryn had been talked to various members of the crew and in time, she saw an empty spot near the windows of the Messhall and she made her way to it. She stood in silence by herself for some time.

The level of sharing that went on tonight had touched her heart deeply. It was different than other services that she had attended for deceased crewmembers. Kes was the first member of the bridge crew to leave Voyager. She wasn't a senior officer, but as the nurse when the doctor was unable to leave sickbay, she had been the one to represent the CMO on the bridge. She had forged strong ties with all of the senior staff, herself included and in doing so she had left a part of herself with each and everyone of them. Until tonight, Kathryn had no idea how profoundly Kes had touched their each of their lives. It went out from there. Three quarter of the crew spoke tonight, even half of the skeleton crew on duty via the com link. From what had been said Kathryn had a sense that Kes helped bring the crew together during difficult times, when she and the Bridge crew had to be busy concerning themselves with their physical safety. It seemed as if she had attended every memorial service and helped countless people through their respective grieving.

And she was doing it even now. When the service began, Kathryn had observed that the mood was one of forced joviality, as if the crew were avoiding expressing their pain which was a result of Kes' departure. Now with the sharing of the memories and the public expression of how Kes touched their lives seemed to help them accept the situation of her departure. The mood was quieter and sadder than before, but it had an undercurrent of acceptance, of hope. The sharing had reminded the crew Kes was still with them, and would always be a part of their journey because of the way that she touched their lives. It also reminded them that they still had each other that they were a family and would be there for each other through the tough times. Like this one.

The feeling of loneliness and sadness overcame Kathryn again. It had been a long day . She put her arm out to steady herself on the bulkhead. She had to regain control, she could not break down in front of the crew. Then and there she felt she was the only one, who would have no one to be there for her.

Chakotay had been watching Kathryn from a distance. He also had found a secluded corner of the Messhall and was quietly letting himself feel. He had talked to B'Elanna, Ayala, Neelix, Sam and little Neomi. He felt full with the conversations that he had with them. He could feel Kes' presence as she helped the crew grieve her passing. He turned his head in Kathryn's direction just as she put her hand out to steady herself and saw the look on her face. Chakotay moved swiftly towards her.

"Kathryn"

There was no masking the concern in his eyes and the vulnerability in hers. She wanted to go with him somewhere quiet where they could just talk over a cup of coffee and she could have her own private reminisce away from the crew where she could drop the mask of command which even now had to be on for the sake f the crew. If Kes had left one month ago, she could have, but now, she couldn't. They weren't there yet. She was still angry and confused about what had happened between, and as she saw before, so was he.

"Are you OK?"

"No, but I will be..…….This will take time………..It has been an overwhelming day. I think it I'm going to call it a night."

"I understand." A sad look crossed his face. He touched her arm briefly and left. Her eyes followed him as he bid farewell to Tom and B'Elanna, Neelix and Samantha, before leaving himself.

Tuvok materialized at her elbow. "Captain, I am about to retire for the evening."

She smiled gratefully, "So am I. I'll walk with you."

"Tuvok, I would like to thank you for the speech you gave tonight at the beginning of the sharing and for sharing your experience with Kes. I think it touched everyone, and it definitely touched me."

"You are welcome Captain." He paused before he continued. "The crew seemed more emotionally stable now that the farewell service is over."

"There is a saying among emotional species Tuvok, pain shared is pain lessened."

"In this situation that does seem to be the case. It was a good idea to perform such a ceremony."

"It was Chakotay's idea." Her face changed.

Tuvok noticed it out of the corner of his eyes. He did not have to slow his stride or turn to do so. As a security officer, he had trained himself to be observant of all the things that occurred around him. Dealing primarily with emotional species, he also learnt how to deduce signs of emotions such as anger and rage in a humanoid, as these were early signs of impending treachery. Being colleagues with people like Kathryn Janeway, he respected their emotional make up enough to understand what certain series of other behaviors and demeanor conveyed. Tuvok had observed the Captain and Commander conversing and when he saw the Commander leave and the expression on the Captains face as she watched him go, He logically deduced that she would be in need of an escort to her quarters tonight. He stopped and looked at the Captain.

"Based on what the Commander said during his farewell to Kes, the days ahead will be a difficult time for him."

"It will be a difficult time for all of us." Her eyes filled

"Indeed. Goodnight Captain."

"Good night, old friend."

He nodded and left her standing in front of her quarters.

* * *

As Kathryn tossed and turned in bed, her thoughts were jumbled. She knew why Tuvok had come up to her at the end of the service, why he had singled Chakotay out of all the people who had shared that night and why he had said what he did. He was trying to give her a message in his own Vulcan stoic way and he knew from her responses that she had gotten it. Finally she gave in and knowing that her quarters were the one private space that she could just be, she allowed the tears began to stream down her face. She knew that even if she could have spent time alone with Chakotay she would not have allowed herself to do what she was doing now, but still she figured that she wouldn't have needed to as she would have been able to have come to some emotional resolutions with him.

_Tuvok, I know for the sake of the crew, even myself I have to reach him somehow to heal our friendship, but I really just don't know how._

She mourned the loss of two friends that night.

**Part 8: The Dark Pages**

**Page 3: Transitions**


End file.
